It takes more than facebook to be a friend...

A brief time ago, I had the privilege of studying with Dr. Len Sweet at George Fox University Evangelical Seminary in Portland, Oregon.  During this time, Len had us read a book entitled, "Relational Holiness" by Michael Lodahl.  The basic premise of the book had to do with how those churches born within the American Holiness Tradition had to redefine themselves for the 21st century. Lodahl suggest that one possible way forward was for the church to look for ways to bring about relational wholeness with God and others.  This really sparked a thought in me.  

I'll begin with a biblical premise.  In Genesis 2:18, God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone!"  This is a very powerful foundation for us to explore in an understanding as to why relationship is important and was designed by God for us.  Every human relationship God designs and gives us is his gift to us. God not only gave Eve to Adam but he also gave them sons and daughters and called them to fill the entire earth with others.  Many people have stopped and said that Eve was designed by God to fulfill Adam's aloneness.  However, the bible shows us that this relationship was designed to build a myriad of relationships with others throughout the world.  So, from the foundation of this first relationship God gifted Adam and Eve with others to expand them beyond themselves.  God did not design a world to be "us four and no more."  In fact, Acts 17:26 St. Paul states, "From one man he created all the nations or tribes were created throughout the whole earth. He decided beforehand when they should rise and fall, and he determined their boundaries." In each of our worlds or spheres of influence we have forty people in our lives whom we regard as our friends.  Who we choose to be in those spheres of trust says a lot about who we are, what we value, and where we are heading in life.

Over the years, I have found that there are a lot of people who don't know how to do friendship well. First, too many failed relationships have been based on unspoken expectations.  Why do you choose the people in your life that you call friends?  Do your friends know why they are in your life?  What are their expectations of you?  What role have you assigned them? What place do they have you in?  Years ago, Brian Houston of Hillsong said "there are three kinds of relationships:  (1) relationships that refresh you, (2)  relationships that you refresh, (3) and relationships that drain you."  Do you know how others regard their relation with you?  In my experience of working with people, I have found six types of relationships: (1) consumatory - where people treat your relationship with them as a consumer; (2) transitory relationship - where people are just in your life for a season. Usually God brings these people into our lives to leave a deposit of something that we need to grow up in; (3) business relationships - where we work, exchange ideas, and conduct business that enables each other to reach our business goals; (4) community relationship - like neighbors, parents and teachers who our kids go to school with and community, church, or civic groups; (5) family relationships- our parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, in laws and kids; and (6) covenant relationships. Each of these types of friendships are designed around shared values, roots within ourselves, and strongly held beliefs about ourselves.  All designed to build our inner lives.  However, there are some common enemies to strong friendships that contribute to relational breakdowns and the creation of dysfunctional relationships.

Unresolved conflicts, unforgiveness, iniquity, bitterness, disputes, beliefs, judgements, inner vows, unrealistic expectations, and addictions and ACOA behaviors all contribute to the breakdown of our relationships. Another problem that breaks down relationships has to do with conflicting values.  I may have high values on family... A friend may have have high value on work or education. Another may have high value on recreation. Without agreed shared values conflict and breakdown may occur. I'm convinced that the high divorce rate is based on competing values. So how can we find our way to building healthy sustainable relationships?  

Throughout my life I have made many friends. Most all my friends have been life long friends. Throughout the stages of my adult maturity the relationships with my friends have had to grow and change through each stage of development. Going to college, grad school, and then getting married changed my life. Having kids, parenting them and helping them get their lives started was another important stage in life... Each stage has had to adjust to life's circumstances. You find out in each stage (good times and tough times) what kind of friends your friends are. Some are close, intimate, best friends. Some friends are just there to have fun and laugh with, some friends are seasonal and come in and out at various stages. To have life long friends of all types you need to know who your friends are, why you choose them and where they fit into your life and where you fit in theirs. I love my friends... All of them and I want to work hard to keep them around till death takes us into a different expression of friendship and experience in the next life.

Len Sweet, a few years back wrote a book on the 11 indispensable relationships we all need in our life.  He thinks that each of us need an "editor," a "true Friend,"  A "Butt-kicker," an "encourager," a "back-coverer,"  etc.  His point is that we need relationships that serve different kinds of roles in our lives to keep us accountable to God, ourselves and our place in our world.  But not everyone will value their role in your life and may want to opt out sometimes... and that's okay because you can always choose a new friend.  I call this "friending-up" because sometimes some friends cannot and will not go with us in our next stage of our lives.  The Apostle Paul said, "When I was a child I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away childish things..."  this may include our childhood playmates who refuse to grow up with us.  Tough decision but sometimes some people just have to move on and let go of that high school buddy who still wants to sit in the bar and talk about that 1976 football game we won for the 100th time. Sometimes there just needs to be exits and endings to a chapter in our lives.  The sad part of endings is that a lot of people just don't learn the fact that friendships require mutual benefits for them to be enduring and sometimes they might be getting something out of the friendship that no longer benefits us as well as them.

The final thought here I want to leave with you is to understand  that there are seven types of friendships that we all need to "place" and qualify our friends with:  Some people will be just (1) Acquaintances; (2)   or neighbors; (3) sidekicks who just hang out; (4) pals; (5) close kin; (6) co-workers; (7) or a covenant friend.  Whoever we choose... to serve in whatever place we assign them in our lives... know this:  each relationship that you are have, you have been gifted.  You need to steward these relationships well by defining them, encouraging them and communicating why they are in your life.  All these relationships are a sacred trust and need to be stewarded well.