WHY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL

   Over the last 40 years of ministry, I have observed a lot about how emotional growth and spiritual growth are linked together.  In my early studies at college I was focused on reaching children and youth for Christ and was introduced to core studies on childhood learning and development. Most of these studies were based on Erik Erickson's growth models. In particular this was used as the basis on how to teach young people, pick out curriculum, and effectively reach children and youth for Christ. What this introduced to me was the idea that each person has been designed by God to go through various of personal growth and maturity in every stage of life.  As my I continued my academic studies I was introduced to a book entitled "Stages Of Faith" by James Fowler in which he introduced the idea of a developmental process in "human faith."   Another great book I was given was Gail Sheehy's book, "Passages" which outlines the stages of adulthood that are as common as "childhood development" stages of growth.  It is very normal to think about how each stage of life has a developmental rhythm in both men and women and how these "passages" can bring predictable crisis in relationships. 

     In the early 1980's I met and spent a great deal of time with an awesome, insightful, prophetic pastor, Glen Foster, of Sweetwater Church Of The Valley in Phoenix, Arizona. As we became friends he introduced me to the idea, "If you don't grow up emotionally, you cannot grow up spiritually."  It was not a new idea to me but the way he taught this within his own ministry context was very fascinating.  Other important authors within the early Charismatic movement who taught and wrote books on spiritual growth and maturity included Dr. James Beall, Gerald Derstine, Bob Mumford, Juan Carlos Ortiz and Kenneth Hagin Sr. based on Hebrews 5:11-6:3; and I John 2:11-13. I had all of these literary works in my personal library.  But, Glen offered some new and interesting insights that were new to me.  He took two passages of scripture, II Corinthians 6:11-12 and Philippians 3:17-18, to provide the foundation that all spiritual growth can be hindered by our lack of growth emotionally.  In the 2 Corinthians 6:11-12 passage, the Apostle Paul had been trying to introduce teaching into a group that had a hard time embracing what he taught. He said, "We have been very open in speaking to you Corinthians... however your negative emotions have hindered you in receiving the spiritual truths we have been trying to relay to you."  In Philippians 3:17-18 Paul states that not only our spiritual growth can be hindered, but when we make our negative emotions a god in our lives it destroys our lives and makes us enemies of the Cross Of Christ.  Why?  Because the cross has to be applied to our lives to bring our self life to death in every stage of life. It is not a one time event!  

    In the early 1990's, I met and spent a huge amount of time with John and Paula Sandford who wrote 19 books on healing and wholeness.  They often came to our church to minister here in Annapolis and taught the congregation I've served that our "spiritual growth" is blocked because of our unfinished business with our past.  The Church world spends a great deal of time teaching on "Justification" which means, that because of the finished work of Jesus on the Cross, my sins have been forgiven and I can now stand before Father God "clean and justified" because of the blood of Christ. However, what the contemporary church does not teach today is what "sanctification" is.  (See I Thess. 5:23)  Sandford's rightly pointed out, that much of the contemporary church has done exactly what the Prophet Jeremiah spoke to the religiously leaders of his day, "You have offered superficial treatments for my people's mortal wounds as though it is not serious. You have given assurances of peace where there is no peace." (Jer. 6:14)  People who come to Christ today, come from all kinds of dysfunctional relationships, just as they did back in the early church.  Ezekiel 34 gave stern warnings to the leaders who shepherded Israel.  The indictment made in this passage could so easily be made against the church entertainment industry today.  Ezek. 34:2-4 "Son of man, prophecy against the Shepherds Of Israel. Prophecy to these Shepherds, 'Tell them, This is the what the Almighty says, How horrible it will be for the Shepherds of Israel who have been taking care of themselves. Shouldn't shepherds take care of the sheep?' ... You have not strengthened those that were weak, healed those that were sick, or bandaged those that were injured." This is how many churches operate today.  

     The unfortunate thing is that many church leaders have not understood that Jesus gave us the mission of the Church in Luke 4:18 "The Spirit of The Lord is upon me, He has anointed me to tell the good news to the poor, He has SENT me to set the captives free, heal the brokenhearted and to restore sight to the blind, and to announce the year of the Lord's favor."  So, where is healing the brokenhearted and setting free captives happen if the church is not engaged in this work? If we claim we are followers of Jesus (Mark 16) we are to heal the sick, cast out demons, and lead people into incarnational experiences that transform their lives. My concern has never been trying to please or measure up to my peers or people dysfunctional expectations of ministry today.  I am concerned about healing and real life transformation - the things within you that trouble you and trouble your relationships.  Embracing the gospel is not only about "justification" but it is also about sanctification or "making peace with your past."  It's about getting your relationship with God and others on a path toward wholeness.  Acts 16:31 promises that if we believe in the Lord Jesus Christ he will save us and our household. The Greek Word for :Saved" is "sozo" which means to be healed body, soul (seat of emotions), and spirit.  God wants to heal us emotionally and spiritually if we will let him.

     The problem most people who come to Christ is that have difficulty redressing their past because they are bound in shame. Unfortunately, many churches have developed a nature of shaming people rather than healing them.  As a result of not addressing our past and truly repenting of our sins and the iniquity within us we cannot grow up emotionally or spiritually. As we go through our twenties, thirties, forties, and fifties we are continually faced with developmental challenges we must master. We cannot move forward without doing the work of each stage of life and it is important to apply the work of the cross in each of these adult development stages because of our inheritant need to continue to prop up our destructive self-life. (See Romans 7:11-25)  Gail Sheehy rightly points out that throughout each adult developmental stage of life there are common works and changes that are required within us. The Apostle Paul wrote "When I was a child, I thought like a child and did childish things, but when I became a man I put away these childish things." (See I Cor. 13:11)  Too many Christians, who are harboring bitterness and resentment toward their parents, and/or rehearsing their childhood hurts within themselves, or numbing it and and its memories too often get stuck in a stage of life developmentally and don't move on to the next stage of adult development despite the fact that their bodies are aging. As a result, they are emotionally arrested.  As a result, people encounter failed relationships with others in marriage, family, and friendships because their lives are unsynchronized as Gail Sheehy puts it.  Those who have worked in the "recovery" movements know that most people are emotionally arrested from the day they start using substances to "self medicate" their hurts and emotional pain. I just am perplexed why most Church leaders remain in ignorance (See Hosea 4:6) and refuse to do the task that Jesus assigned us.  In light of the crisis of faith, failures in marriage, addictions to alcohol, pain medications, and drugs within most congregations today,  most churches and Leaders wash their hands of those in their congregations who came for help and ignore the responsibilities to "heal the borken-hearted." The they wonder why problems emerge in the church when the predictable crisis in life emerge. It's because the church is not addressing the real issues that emerge from "life challenges." God has called each of us to bring our unresolved issues of the past to be healed by the Lord. If we refuse to do so we will experience "strains" in relationship and departures from the congregations.  Even those who get offended and leave the church are mostly wounded people who refuse to address the "unrighteous roots of their lives" and attempt tp go from congregational setting to congregational setting not getting what their real need is - healing from their past (Sanctification).

     Recently, I was ministering in another local church, teaching on leadership, over a ten week period. I found it shocking how broken the lives of the congregation were. I shouldn't have been surprised but I usually have not spent so much time with a group outside of my own congregational setting teaching on this subject. What I dawned on me was, "Every congregation in the world" has dysfunctional people coming into their midst who bring this brokenness into congregational life. We are not living in the 1950's version of church anymore!  Too many church groups have held out some strange view if they just get saved, read their bibles continually, and pray fervently these dysfunctions will automatically disappear.  No one has ever taught these people how to overcome these dysfunctional behaviors.  Just because we once smoked dope, slept around, had abortions, and been married three times and then get saved should not lead us to assume people will get it right without instruction. Who is doing the work of healing and teaching people "How to put off the old nature and put on Christ" like Ephesians 4:17-22 discusses?  What I've concluded is that, "relationships" fail in the church, in the home, and in life with people who come into the life to Christ because "their Dysfunctionalism has never been addressed and they find themselves attracted to similar dysfunctional people in the congregation. It's a fatal attraction and leads to co-dependant churches. Corporate Strongholds take captive entire congregations because people have not learned how to live a new kind of life.  When this dysfunctional "group think" is left unaddressed  chaos and group behavior breaks down. It finds its whole foundation in "dishonoring our fathers and mothers."  Hebrews 12:11 states that "... Peace comes from doing what is right." Jesus does not fix our lives for us - that's the work he has called us to do.  Twelve step programs teach that we are all called to "Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs" so we can be healed.  This comes right out of James 5:16!  I've watched relationships, marriages and churches fail because "people do not address their past," and end up reverting to a former developmental stage they did not complete a former stage of life properly they and refused to address the nature of their wrongs. In the recover model repentance includes "making a list of all the persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to THEM ALL."

     After 40 years of ministering as a pastor, I have observed that people have not been healed, and may refuse to go through a sanctifying process like the "personal ministry" processes developed like the Sandfords offered. They refuse to go through a discipleship process as the early disciples did (3 years). Because of this, emotional and spiritual healing becomes hard for "dysfunctional church people" and ministering to them becomes difficult  just like Paul encountered in the Churches at Corinth and Philippi.  Pastors and leaders all across the world celebrate those who go through recovery process like the twelve step program but too often don't even see or want it in that same healing process for themselves. As a result, I've listened and watched major leaders defile others (See Hebrews 12:15) in their congregations, rehearsing their bitterness and unforgiveness in their pulpits, on TV, and in their books teaching people that its okay to not address what's wrong within you. Some have even overemphasized Grace to reinforce that you don't need to address your past.  Noah got drunk, One son exposed his drunkenness to others and it resulted in generation curses his family; the other two sons covered their father's nakedness.  Why is this story important?  Because I am not called to uncover other people's sin, especially my own parents sins - I am called to address what is under my own spiritual fig leaves and get out from hiding myself behind the bushes. (See Genesis 2) We have all sinned and come short of the glory of God. (See Romans 3:23; 6:23)  There are none righteous!  Your childhood hurts, disappointments in life and relationships, and unresolved sin can stop your personal emotional and spiritual growth.

     When leaders and congregations make the decision to not engage in the work of Sanctification - dysfunctional Christians become "dull of hearing" (Heb 5:11; II Cor. 6:11-12) and no longer apply the work of the cross in their lives through each stage of life (Phil 3:17-18).  It results in "destruction" like failed marriages, broken relationships in churches, unbelief and brokenness.  And if I can make an important point here - leaving a church because you are offended and going to another church will not solve your problems. Because where you are - your problems go with you.  Relationships are designed to grind and bring forth the issues in your life that need to be healed. 

    The word Of the Lord to all of us in church life today is this Hebrews 3:7 "Today if you hear the Holy Spirit, do not harden your heart!"  Hebrews 3:11 states that if you harden your heart toward "what you have heard the Holy Spirit speak to you" You will NEVER enter into a place of rest. (See Isa. 30:15)  Instead, you will probably continue in more drama,  chaos and dysfunctionalism because you have not been healed.  Are you just addicted to Chaos? John Wesley, founder of the Methodist movement, once said, "Maturity (Perfection) begins with the sanctifying process."  The day you are born again is the day that healing and wholeness is released to free you from your past - if you want to be healed.