Almost twenty three years ago, Andra and I brought home the most beautiful little girl we had ever seen - our daughter Ariel. She was a cute kid. She was one of the most complaint kid I had ever met, and of course, like any parent we spoiled her with love, fun, adventure, and everything a kid could possibly wanted. I still think Andra was one terrific mother and I did pretty good as Ariel's dad. I expected at some point she would lose her mind though...
Many of my close older friends warned me that between 22-26 that daughters lose their mind. They blame Dad for everything that they see wrong. His advise, opinions, views, and actions are all wrong. Girls and fathers are at odds between 22-26. But then they come back to their senses at 26 and see how great their Dads really were and are. I thought to myself these guys have got to be kidding. But. so far in my experience to date they are dead on in their experience. I 'm looking forward to this one being 26 and coming back to her senses. Some days I'm sure we both think that we both have lost our minds. Only God can help us get through this one.
Why is it that kids have to "individuate" so hard and push back on their fathers to discover who they really are? It's all about boundaries. The shift from dependency to independence requires not only emotional adjustment on our part as parents but it also requires us to set new boundaries. The kid that becomes an adult wants their parents to accept their new adult boundaries (which are in a state of flux) but those young adults also need that mom and dad are not going to relate to an adult as they did to the kid when they were younger. So adjustments and redefining boundaries becomes necessary. My adult kid cannot just come home after graduating college and expect me to continue to pay their bills, eat my food and tell me how terrible of a parent I am because I don't accept "childish" behaviors from an adult. The Apostle Paul said, "When i became an adult, I put away childish things." I guess this is hard for both Parent and young adults. As a parent you want to still parent and as a young adult you want your "cake" (for free) and eat it too (without washing your own dishes). Time to get out. Time to get a real job. But, I'm afraid we've raised a generation that wants to live rent free, have their parents pay for their phone bill, car insurance, health insurance, and all the benefits they had as kids... and then tell you how big of jerk you are because you don't agree.
But I love my kid! I want to be close to my kid... but at what costs? As a dad I need to say to everybody, it's not okay for a kid to disrespect their parents no matter how old you are. God said, "Honor your father and mother!" If your a christian, the way you treat your parents should be recognized as an evidence of how well you are doing in your relationship with God. That doesn't mean their won't be struggles in redefining our stages of life but it does mean that if you
dishonor them in your attitudes, thought life, mouth, and treatment especially as they get older - things are not going to go well with you. I've got to say that one of the most difficult things I have found as a parent is to hear your kids "judge" and define you in ways that you know have not been true - but they have to hold onto in order to individuate from you. It's tough because you feel violated after all the years of loving, sacrificing, and giving so much time energy, time and resources to see your kid have a great life. I often wonder, did I do this to my parents? Actually, I think I had a great relationship with them most of my life - even though they were divorced. They never made their divorce my problem. They were good about that.
So what am i trying to say... being a Dad is more difficult as your kids get older. My job of raising these kids of mine are almost over. Thank God! It will be their turn next... and then I hope that my girls will realize how much I've loved them, sacrificed for them and gave them my best. I hope their choices in men - will result in their husband doing the same. But, boy there are some real jerks out their - right now! God help my daughters fine the right guys who will step up and be half the men I expect them to be. My favorite story in the bible about manhood is Jacob stepping up his game with Laban to gain the woman of his dreams. Would be nice to see some young men like that today.
Just remember guys the question at the altar is: "Who GIVES this woman to be married to this man?" The power of "her mother and I" rests in the words and authority of the bride's "DAD." God gave him this authority and you have no authority if you usurp or undermine his authority to get the bride! Can I hear a big AMEN?
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